Dear Mom,
It’s been almost been twenty years since I lost you. I think our last Christmas was spent in MSK Cancer Center, but I could be mistaken. The two or three years of our illnesses really felt like a complete blur. It has only been recently that I’ve had the courage to think back to those days and recall some of the things that I experienced while undergoing cancer treatment. I want you to know that I’m not upset by the things I learned after your passing. While it disappointed me that you suffered through so much without much assistance, I want you to know that learning of your previous fight with cancer and the things that you had to handle after the death of my sister Ama, and your brother made me admire you so much more. I only wish that I was able to have more time with you.
You handled me and grandma like a champ. Nobody ever is prepared to juggle the cancer treatment of two family members at the same time, but you somehow handled it without much help from the family. A fact that disappoints me till this day. I know you must be saddened that I’m not close to any one of our family members, but I hope you understand my reasons for keeping my distance. None of them really cared after you died, and no one even checked on grandma even though she had to bury you before meeting the grave herself a year later.
As for everything that happened after your passing – I want you to know that I don’t blame you. I could never blame you. And I know it isn’t healthy to hold a grudge, but the people that broke their promises to you after you passed don’t deserve forgiveness. God can forgive, but I have no intention to do so. Nor does it make much of a difference to me, as I rarely think of those people. I want you to know that I forgive you. I can only imagine the amount of worry you had plaguing your soul after you passed as nothing was done in the way you had written in your will – leaving me homeless and abandoned – but I never once placed any blame on you.
Your cancer was last to get caught, but it destroyed you so quickly that there wasn’t much time left to plan for all the scenarios that ended up happening after your funeral. I know it must have angered you to see that you weren’t even buried before the shit hit the fan for me. I never even had an opportunity to celebrate the fact that my cancer went on remission before your death rocked my already chaotic world. And then the care giver you entrusted with me abandoned me – leaving me basically homeless without a single family member checking on me or grandma to see if we were okay. But none of that is your fault. At all. I can never blame you, because in the end of the day, these people lied to you and left you believing you can pass in peace. I can only hope you’re at peace now.
Can you forgive me?
It’s Christmas and all I can think about is how you made our house look like an amazing Holiday magazine spread complete with a little Christmas town on the window sill, and literal decked out hall with a wreath welcoming all of our guests. I haven’t been able to recreate the magic you always casted during the holidays. Life hasn’t been very kind, and I don’t have much of a home to decorate or celebrate. But know that I am loved, I am safe and I am cherished. While I’m still struggling with my health, things haven’t been so bad and I hope that you can forgive some of the stupid, childish things I did before I got some sense knocked into me. I know what you’re going to say, but I feel like you raised me to be much smarter than how I acted in the first few years of my adult life. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I have many regrets, so I can only hope that you aren’t too mad at me now.
I hope I am now living in a way that makes your proud of me. I still miss you – at every birthday, every holiday and sometimes because I want to.
Merry Christmas, mom. I hope my bunny isn’t giving you too much grief. I know, I had a sassy bunny but doesn’t she remind you of someone?
I love you. Kind regards,
Sabey
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