Dear Mom,
TW; Mental Health
When I started writing to you, I had this suspicion that I might have needed this more than you needed me to address what happened after you died. Once I lost Jinx, I realized I lost yet another major connection I had to this life and I was beginning to feel this urge to do something…. After losing you, I think that feeling remained in my memories because I just knew it wasn’t best to let myself be seduced by it.
I’m not yet ready to get into the details of what is happening in my life. I’m sure you’re just watching along with your jaw open, because I never seem to live in peace for too long. Honestly, I’m hardly moved by what is happening. Not to the same degree as I felt when loosing you. I think it does have to do with my experience, and age.
That is not to say that I’m not emotional. I’m crying, struggling deeply with what has happened, and I’m angry – yet it isn’t freezing me much in the way your death did. I suppose there is a vast difference but I can’t help but make comparisons because the impact this is having on my life is similar to the impact your death had way back then. It’s giving me strength… or rather, it gave me strength to do what was important.
So today may very well be the first day of my new life.
If I could be vulnerable for a moment; I really don’t want to do this. I can’t say that I was entirely happy with what was happening yet the fact that I was surrounding myself by people who have watched over me and cared for me in various ways all these years made most – if not all of it – bearable. You always told me that my desire to love deeply would wound me, and I knew you were going to be right, but I really wish you were here with me because this pain is like no other.
Yet I still want to be good.
I couldn’t keep pretending that what I was experiencing was, at all, normal. Nor did I want to keep making the people I love deal with incredibly awkward, and frustrating situations. My strength can very well be my downfall, because I’m always willing to put up with the worse shit for the benefit of others, and it barely wears me down. My weaknesses could be annoying, but so is my ability to look back at everything with such a focus on attention because I still find myself sympathizing with the ones that have hurt me. I really can’t help myself despite what my friend’s say. My ability to lend grace towards people who have experienced some heavy things in their life is just one of those skills I was born with. I can’t shake the fact that I know it is just a bunch of hurt people hurting people.
As for me? I feel incredibly selfish, guilty, heartless…
Logically, I know that this is what needed to be done. The reality check I have been given has really kicked me back into gear, and I found the strength I lost during the last few years of my disabilities. Is it strange to feel as though you have just woken up? I do have to lend some appreciation to these letters. The more I dissect the past, the more it opens me up to see the sort of things I was allowing to happen to me here in the future. I just hope that I don’t lose momentum again… The pain in my back is unbearable. I know my nerves are affecting the tension along my neck and hips a bit more than usual. Everything aches with such a intensity that I want to curl up in a ball..
Yet I find myself using this pain as some sort of clutch. Which is fine. I rather dig myself out of this hole than get stuck. Although, I mainly believe it is because I only have myself to rely on, and I want to be of help to those who have kept me sane at the start of this hell. We all deserve a good, big slice of happiness and I currently have enough spite, fear and determination to try and get it.
~ I know, I know. I share too much too.
Sabrance Darnigma
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