There’s Always a Hero

Dear Mom,

There is an underdog in my story that is worth mentioning (outside of Nikki, of course), and she is the reason for why I even have photos of us (and our family), let alone memories that would have long since escaped my mind.

Granted, I’m sure the two of you had reunited in the afterlife.

I always remembered her as kind of the nosy neighbor in our building. Not many people had good opinions of her, but you were always kind to her nevertheless and she always gave me a little treat whenever I had to visit her for one reason or another. Outside of everyone in our building, she was someone that remains a highly respected individual in my eyes. Her kindness, the effort she put into obtaining my precious family albums and the aftermath of it all collapsing on me, while she remained one of the very few people in my corner, was the only reason I hadn’t completely lost hope in the people I grew up around.

It is because of her I have an entire bin full of our family; photos of my siblings growing up over the years, precious memories from our trips home to Puerto Rico, and so many other things that would have been in the New York city dump.

Unfortunately, they’re trapped in the deepest crevice of my storage unit at the moment, else I’d be plastering them everywhere and preserving them as they’re meant to be. Yet I am glad that it is a project I can do so far more fondly now, as I can’t imagine I was in the right headspace before.

Honestly, I feel a bit embarrassed by how long it has taken me to wake up from my depressed stupor, but I know I have to be kind to myself. I have lived life in survival mode since the moment you left. I wish I could say that this isn’t my reality anymore, but life has other plans for me it would seem.

You would think I had proved myself enough. Regardless, I’m always ready to face whatever may come because it’s clear that I’ve survived so much worse. I just wish money wasn’t the root of all of my problems. I would own up to it being my responsibility, but these lands just don’t hold the same opportunities that it had for you, I’m afraid. You would think the resources were all soaked up or something, but you’d be disappointed by the state of things.

Somehow you managed to raise three kids, and take care of your mom with little to no financial assistance. I can’t even remember if we use to have stamps, or any government grants, but then again, you always hid the realities of the world from me. As I am now, I understand why you did so because the world could be a cruel place. I just wished someone else genuinely sat me down, and gave it to me straight.

Nobody wanted to make the cancer kid anymore depressed though, and to some degree, I appreciate it as I managed to keep my childish spirit. Now, she is definitely an underdog.

I wish I had an adult like me when I was a child. I suppose that is why I try and be there for everyone, and encourage them so much that I’m sure they’re sick of me. I just don’t want anyone else to feel as lonely as I did.

You brother was also an underdog. He didn’t hesitate to take up the mantel as my guardian, and in my heart, adoptive father. I learned a lot from him, although my most fondest memories is him going on a tizzy about Christopher Columbus day. I wonder if he has talked his head off about that man to you as well, or am I just the special case? The hatred was pollable, but understandable given our Puerto Rican heritage.

I got behind the wheel of a car because of him. Granted, I was trapped in our yard because it wasn’t a very street legal car, but I can park like a champ (at the time. I’m a New Yorker, and completely out of practice). He never made me feel like a burden, and while he wasn’t as emotionally available, his wife, Ines, really gave me that motherly affection that – while didn’t come close to you – helped me find myself in the darkness that settled in. I know the three of you had your differences, but I hope you see them in a better light for having loved and supported me.

There are many more people in my life who have made impacts over the years, big and small, and almost all of them has encouraged me to tell our story.

I’m hope I’m doing it some justice.

PS. Why were all of you chronically frowning? Is it genetics? cause I didn’t inherit it. 🤣