Dear Mom,
I’m going to make an actual effort in making this one light hearted!
I’m sure you’re delighted to see that me and Nikki have remained thick as thieves all these years. Honestly, she’s saved my life more than once. I’ve always been bullied for one reason or another before the cancer, but I never expected it after. You hurt with me when I lost my hair, and the kids at school didn’t make it any easier when I eventually went back. Despite the constant solitude I disliked during home schooling, it made me miss it. Nikki became one of the only friends I had in my corner. It was just irritating that I was much older as it left me to fend for myself during class. Still, her companionship during those vital years in my life after your death are some of my most cherished days. Had she not come storming into our house after you were gone, I don’t know what would have become of me. It is one of those thoughts I would rather leave shrouded in mystery.
I missed her throughout my time in Puerto Rico. Yet she still managed to find ways to call me at a time when you had to pay an arm and a leg for long distance phone calls. They were brief, and I can’t even remember what we spoke about, but they were calls I cherished as they got me through many of my dark days. While I had made friends on the island that I thought were precious, I’m reminded that my heart tends to lead me astray. You always did tell me that I was a little too kind for my own good. That I believed my friendships were much deeper than they actually were. It is an aspect of me that I know has changed over the years yet sometimes I still find myself falling for the same trap. As much as I appreciate my loneliness sometimes it is nice to share the silence with someone.
Which leads me to the small circle I have curated for myself over the years. Some have come and went, but there still stands Nikki – along with my husband of thirteen years, another best friend of eight years (and his girlfriend), and my long distance friend of six (or maybe longer? Who really counts?). My sister-in-law is the older sister I’m sure Ama would have been. I have friends that text me every once in a while, checking in on me as I navigate my rocky health. I’ve made a few acquaintances over the years at my various jobs, leaving me with a small list of a few kind hearted individuals who comment on life events or milestones I sprinkle over my personal accounts. They may not be close, but they still add a flavor to my life that would otherwise be bland. However Nikki is the only one I can say who has earned the title of lifelong friend. It would be so hard to believe if I didn’t have photos of us at seven and five years old. Now, if only I could find it.
I’ve learned to choose my friends over the years. I always thought a large group of friends was the norm yet in my attempts in acquiring that, I’ve been heart broken in ways an ex could never. Sometimes I ache for the friendships I have lost over the years. Either distance puts a wedge between us, or our differences were far too great for either of us to survive. I try to consider your words on those days where their memories plague me, as I’m sure they haven’t thought of me for even a moment. Instead, I mainly find comfort in the friends that I hold so dear. Some of who have become like family to me. And Nikki.. she’s been my little sister from another mister all my life. We never fail to say that you adopted her before your passing, though many may not understand it wasn’t in the literal sense but we’re not in any hurry to correct that. Instead, we see it as a perfect way for us to claim sisterhood. It makes me sad that I worry her so much. She’s been one of my main pillars of support as I struggle with these disabilities that keep me from joining the world as it goes on. I hope she knows just how much I appreciate her.
At the moment, this is a project I haven’t told them about. I’m not afraid of them taking a glance into the deeper parts of me. Honestly, I just don’t want them to feel embarrassed by my words or concerned for my mental state. They have supported every venture I have taken so far, as they each know just how bored and fidgety I have been since being put on indefinite medical leave. I’m sure they’ll look at this and simply find comfort in me carving out a spot where I can express myself. My little family always see me typing away on my laptop, but I rarely give them a peak into what I’m writing. I’m sure you’re not surprised by my shyness, but it is a trait I can’t help no matter how much I try. My husband has caught sight of some of my words to you, though I’m sure he probably thinks this is me attempting to cope with the loss of Jinx. And he wouldn’t be wrong, but soon I’ll have to come clean as I’m sure they’ll get curious the more they see me write to you.
My love, my wonderful sister and my closest friends – don’t worry about me. Some of my words are somber, and my humor may be a bit absent in these letters, but know that I am better with all of you in it. Especially when I’m in my head, and you’re playing video games with questionable lyrics. It is near impossible to linger in muddle thoughts when I’m interrupted by THAT. Yet I laugh because there never is a dull moment with you idiots.
Nikki, we’re close to thirty years of friendship. In just two years, we will be sisters for three decades and that is a long time to be putting up with my bullshit. From the ‘shippo’ punches in our younger years, to all my dark cancer jokes in our adult years – I’m pretty confident I’ll figure out some other creative way to annoy you for the next twenty years. All to make sure that our fifty years together will never be boring. Everyone jokes about their ’13th reason why’ these days, but you’re my first reason for why I’m still here.
Love always,
Sabey
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