Apologies for the Silence

Dear Mom,

I’m sure you’re not surprised by my silence given how often my life has fallen into chaos. Regardless, I apologize. I hadn’t intended to take a small hiatus from all of my projects, however things have gone from complicated to something much worse. This would be the part where I express surprise or even bewilderment – but I’ve since gone numb and lets face it, nothing is ever a surprise anymore. Not for me anyway.

I wish I could go into detail about the exploding trash fire in my life. Getting the details down and out might just help regulate my thoughts. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress and anxiety – and I mean more than usual. You pair that with one of the worst flare-ups I have dealt with thus far, and you’ll quickly understand why I practically fell off of my routine. This is the first day in over a month where I am awake and alert enough to write. You would think I spent most of my spiral asleep, but after the first week or so, sleep became a luxury I could not grasp.

It was bloody ridiculous.

I have been blaming the mess that caused me to miss roughly a week of my muscle relaxers (the spasms were not fun whatsoever), but that was only the half of my troubles. Everything else has to do with my personal life, and I fear saying too much might just make the situation a little more chaotic.

Not that I am of the opinion that they’ll even lay eyes on this website on their own. I’ve since accepted the fact that my projects hold no interest to the ones that matter to me, which is where I find myself overthinking the situation I’m in until I’m literally sick from feeling so anxious and angry.

I hate trusting people, and that is all I’m comfortable to say about it.

Mom, I wish there was a way you can tell me why I attract some of the worst people. All I ever hope for is compassionate, but peaceful individuals to enjoy the same topics and anime as I do, who wouldn’t mind taking a look at my drawings for just a second more or actually give me feedback on all the things I try to accomplish in my limited state. Someone to engage, and care, but also understand who I am as a person rather than pay attention to my looks.

Mind you, I don’t even think I am even that attractive.

I know that my fierce independence can be detrimental as I rarely ask for help, but even so, I would assume I’m cared for enough to warrant at least a check in? Something… anything..

I refuse to beg for simple practices.

My step brother reminded me that we (me and you) are so much alike. I’m taking his encouragement to channel that tough independence running through my blood. I guess I can thank it for having gotten me this far.

I can’t promise that this is the start of my routine returning. I want it to be, but I am addressing my sleeplessness issue, and exploring the possibility that I might have developed insomnia. But I’ll leave you with the promise that I do have more I want to write to you, and I have a few notes worth addressing.