Dear Mom,
On the last day I saw you (before you passed), you managed to muster up just enough strength to tell me that you will be proud of me no matter what I’d end up doing with my life; that you would always love me and nothing I do will ever change that. It was a little hard to listen to you – you were so weak, and looked so small. My heart was breaking but I wasn’t exactly sure why at that moment. I just felt so little at your side, so unprepared for you to go..
She just had to ruin everything for me – even the day of your passing.
It wasn’t until a few days after you passed that I realized why you seemed so concerned for me. Rose was in your ear – constantly telling you that I was out all hours of the night, hanging out with boys and overall, living in a way that contradicts my personality. I honestly don’t even know how she had the time to be whispering in your ear – what with all the damage she was doing to our house and home while you laid in hospice. To say that finding out about her deception to you nearly killed me was an understatement. I still find it a bit hard to admit to myself, and others, just how bad things had gotten after your passing. The lies she fed you is just one of the many reasons why I’ll never forgive her.
You, of all people, knew I had love for school. I was an excellent student up until my cancer. High school was scary. I spent more than a year away from a school setting – so the crowds, loud noises and structure was intimidating. I barely had any energy left over to socialize. Thinking back, I can’t help but wonder how I even managed to get the friends that I did have before leaving to Puerto Rico. I’ll admit to the ‘boyfriend’ I had at the time, but honestly it hardly seemed like a relationship. I was always a homebody and your passing just led to me staying home in a way that was probably unhealthy. I just couldn’t claw my way out of the depression that fell over me, and Rose’s actions weren’t helping my mental state whatsoever. Everything she touched she ruined, and knowing she might have soured your opinion of me before you passed hurts more now than it did at the time.
I didn’t have my first kiss until a few months after your passing with that ‘boyfriend’. I would like to say that I can look back on that moment and have fond memories, but the guy I shared it with was the worst kind of guy to have as a first boyfriend. I can at least believe you would have been proud of the way I handled myself, because I quickly grew up in a way that made it near impossible to let anyone pressure me into things I wasn’t ready for. I may be remembered as a bit of a bitch about it back then, but I felt like it was necessary given the way Rose painted me out to be. I needed to prove to her, and everyone else, that I wasn’t to be mistaken for a fool. I couldn’t be a typical sixteen year old, not with the way she was tearing me down to other people in the neighborhood.
Even with nobody at home to really drag me out of bed in the mornings, I still made it to school with plenty of time to spare and rarely hung out after class. At least that’s how I remember it. Absal hardly had to instruct me to do much, and Belle eventually welcomed me to her home so that no one would take me away from what little I had. I tried to keep up appearances with them, and keep them from needing to worry about me, except for the typical things like food and shelter. Anything I can do to keep from being a burden – I did it, but that didn’t leave me with much room to express myself. Emotionally, I was a wreck. I was just really, really talented at hiding it. Nikki was the only one I couldn’t fool for too long. It was probably best. Her smack really woke me the f**k up.
Unfortunately the timing was too late. I ended up in Puerto Rico before that year was over.
Still, I maintained my fierce independence and focused on school – or what little I understood. I might not have had you on my back to make all the right decisions, but my desire to maintain your respect outweighed most of the small relationships I had as a teen. My focus was mainly on finishing school, making sure I wasn’t a hassle to my aunt and uncle and doing my best at becoming someone you’d be proud of. I would like to think that I was rewarded when I met my husband, but that may be the hopeless romantic in me.
I wish you had been here when I first met him. The butterflies I got from the first day seem to be ever present in our relationship. I like to think you might have been a little amused that I was the one to ask him out. Sometimes I imagine what our conversation would have been like were you alive; would you have had the same feeling I did? Would you have predicted we would be married? What advice would you give me on those tough days?
I have always had questions that won’t ever get an answer…
I should have asked you about you and dad when I had the chance. Why did you two separate? Was there love? Regret? I could ask dad these questions but after he gave his parental rights to your brother, I decided that it was a story that was yours to tell. Which is unfortunate, but it just means we’ll have a lot to talk about when we see each other.
We survived a number of troubling events in our relationship. You might not have been very fond of his friends but they weren’t all bad at the start. Each one dropped off with a different set of circumstances that left a bad taste in my mouth, but they didn’t matter much to me so their loss isn’t as much of a miss as some people might think they are. Silux is all that mattered, and still does. Feels like a lifetime has passed, if I could be honest, as we have experienced many things that were just as comical as they were depressing. Sometimes I wonder if our life is some sort of sick sitcom of the Truman Show, but thinking too long about it might make me paranoid so I don’t. All I know is that we’re surviving somehow and we still love each other.
I wish you were here if only to give us some advice. We don’t have many people we can ask that I trust would give us something more than just empty, hopeful words of encouragement. We have done some truly reckless things over the years in our efforts in finding a comforting, yet fulfilling life. Honestly, I’m getting kind of tired of the endless emergencies hitting us but at this point in time, I’m nervous when things get calm for too long. All I can do is hope. None of us were prepared for a life where I’d be sick like this. I had prepared him for the possibility of me fighting cancer again, but this is a whole new ballgame for me and I hate it. I’m the very burden Rose claimed I would become, and it drives me insane to believe that this is what my life has amounted to. All that fighting, and clawing my way out of poverty just to get tossed back at stage one.
I really want out of this game already.
I know he struggles to figure out what to do for me. We hadn’t made any plans where I’d end up out of work, so I know there is some resentment growing in our relationship. Everything felt like it went downhill after he lost his own mother (who I hope is providing excellent company for you). We live in a society that doesn’t offer the right kind of help. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized just how broken the health care system was. I find it a little unfair that you didn’t prepare me for that, what with having had cancer and all. That would have been a bit helpful. Our love is still strong nevertheless, and I remind myself to be patient because nobody, not even with a bit of a warning, is prepared for their partner to be persistently sick.
I’m not angry by his impatience, if only saddened by the direction our life took. This was not in my plans. I was always the one looking ahead, trying to plan a future for us where we didn’t have to struggle so hard and live as happily as they do in a fairytale. It is strange to think just how much I am like you. It wasn’t my intention at first, as it sometimes annoyed me whenever you told me to think ahead, but I am your daughter. Even without you here, I was bound to embody your personality somehow.
As I near the fourteenth year of my life with my husband– I hope for smoother sails, more answers to navigate this hiccup, and many more happy years.
It would have been nice to have you on my wedding day.
(Edit; 07/24/2024 - I take that back)
Sabey
Comments