Dear Mom,
I don’t remember the color of your coffin, nor the clothing they ultimately laid you to rest in. I was far more concerned with how gaunt you looked and how your golden locks were gone, hidden behind your bandana. If it wasn’t for Absal, I don’t even know how your final wishes would have been honored. Rose couldn’t even do that much for you when you finally passed. I honestly don’t know how someone could be so cruel – it wasn’t like you had left it all for her to pay for. She ruined every aspect of your passing. Nothing about the way you left me was easy, but she certainly didn’t help.
Nobody helped.
I burned with rage at your funeral. It was my first brush with unspent emotions. There was nobody to talk to that could help me understand the pain I was feeling. Nobody told me that the numbness that followed was normal, that my delayed tears had no connection to whether or not I loved you. Me and Absal couldn’t be of help to each other – we’re too similar, and too different all at once. He was still reeling from your loss, to arranging the funeral and tending to grandma. I remember thinking about how unfair all this was to him. After all, it was Absal who had found Ama dead all those years ago. I might have been very young at the time, but I recall the conversations you had with grandma and other members of the family about Ama’s death. I can only imagine what sort of weighty thoughts sat behind Absal’s blue eyes. I know he must be traumatized. Sure, I was suffering a loss just as great (if not more) but he had to juggle all of you…
My anger had levels to it that I don’t think Absal, or Nikki (or anyone for that matter) really understood. I’m sorry for the way I lashed out on what was supposed to be a day to celebrate your life, but I couldn’t stand seeing all those faces in that funeral home. Where were they when you needed help? When grandma needed help? When I needed help? They weren’t even around to help Absal, and they had the audacity to claim he was the one giving them a hard time. I know my brother can be intimidating to be around, but that doesn’t mean he was an animal waiting for a moment to pronounce. They could have talked to him about what was happening and what needed to be cared for. Just thinking about those days makes me boil up on the inside all over again. Nothing has angered me quite like the final days of your life and your funeral. Nothing.
I’m sorry I snapped. I honestly don’t even know who was the victim of my ire, but I remember Nikki and Belle taking calming me down. I stared at your coffin for hours, yet I can’t remember the look on your face as you laid there. I guess I can understand why some people take photos at funerals now, but I would much rather hold onto the faint images I have of you before the cancer. I do the same for grandma. Belle was the one to tell me about your first fight with that damned disease. You’re the only person I know to brave the fight twice. I’ve heard stories from strangers, and I know my future holds yet another fight, but nobody has given me the kind of inspiration you had. I learned a lot about the things you didn’t want me to know during your funeral. It was probably the only way Belle and Nikki kept me from snapping at anyone else there, but I cherish the conversation either way. It gave me a lot to think about.
I don’t regret my conduct however. Actually, I wish I had scolded a few more people that sat there to mourn you. You were always lending a hand in some way shape or form – and you always opened your wallet to someone in need. I have this gut feeling that you’re telling me not to hold on to my grudges. To that – I say never. Someone needs to be angry at those people, and if it isn’t going to be you or grandma, it damn sure is going to be me. I don’t even care if they don’t remember you or me, because I remember.
I remember the sleepless nights. The way you struggled to tend to both me and grandma. How I know I didn’t always make it to the bathroom before getting sick or some other embarrassing accident that I had no control over. Even throughout all that hellfire, you still managed to throw me a birthday party. You hid away our financial troubles, our social troubles. It never occurred to me that I hadn’t seen our family all that much. I know that was because you always knew how to keep me distracted. That, and the medication did a good job at that as well.
Not everyone deserves forgiveness, and that’s okay. I’m not being poisoned by the memory I have of them. I barely give them the time of a day, if I’m being frank. I tapped into it now in order to pen my thoughts to you, but other than that, they’ll fall back into obscurity and never to be thought of again. Well, unless it comes up in therapy. The anger I held up until I turned nineteen is all but forgotten. These are just the faded remains, like the bones that sit in your gravesite.
I’m planning a trip to Puerto Rico. I hope it is a trip we can do soon as I miss the island, the people, the breeze… I have very fond memories of Puerto Rico. Your brother – my uncle – was a wonderful father figure. And his wife was absolutely lovely. I know you didn’t get along, but he really stepped up to take care of me. They are the only reason why I didn’t go unloved during my teens. I hope he’s resting well at your side. I have every intention of planning a day to come out to your grave – I’ll dub it a family reunion. A little morbid, but you have to be in order to find humor in anything. It makes the days pass with a bit more ease. You, Ama, grandma, and my uncle… is grandpa there? I don’t remember. And I think Grandma’s sister is with you as well, but I could be wrong…
I hope you don’t mind, but I’m looking forward to being cremated. I’ll make sure a few pieces of my ashes end at our memorial site, however I have every intention of making sure my loved ones blind a few people with my remains. You raised someone to be a little salty and petty. With luck, I’ll have a long and fulfilling life first – one that removes this financial issue I persistently have. It is getting a little tiring, let me tell you.
Oh wait, that’s the whole purpose of this.
My anger may remain, but it is quiet and tucked away in the back of my mind. I’m not about to bump into those people, nor would they have any reason to be around me, so don’t worry. I’m at peace. I’m still plagued with unanswered questions, however I don’t need the answers anymore. I’m okay with the past staying right where it is.
I just want you to know that I’m still angry for you. I deserved to mourn you in peace. At least now I’m being given that chance.
Sabey
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