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achronicsurvivorsa
Feb 164 min read

My eyes are always wide open

Dear Mom,


I see a little bit of you in every person I meet. I don’t know when I started doing this, but it has been a routine of mine for a little while now. Since I have little faith in religion, the next best thing I found to help me cope with all my losses and bad luck is seeing how the universe has pointed me towards the answers I seek. It could be fun sometimes; you search for the littlest signs in the shape of a bird, or a cloud. Maybe even the way the leaves rustle in the wind. You’re constantly reading the world around you in an effort to find yourself.

Other times, it can be sad – especially when you see something that reminds you of your biggest loss. I never expected to get sad whenever I see a Toyota Highlander is going to pick me up with uber/lyft, but that was your dream car, and it is a detail I have never forgotten about you. I laugh at myself every time I’m filled with a bit of sadness at the sight, because you just gotta laugh at the strange ways your emotions are triggered, yet it has become another way I keep you alive in my heart. Perhaps if I was given the chance to properly mourn you, I wouldn’t have made such a correlation between you and the things I experience everyday, however it is hard not to find comfort in these small pieces of you making their way to me.

There are times that Nikki, my bestest friend, is so intuited with me that I’m spooked. She’s picked up habits that you had before you passed, but given how young she was, I don’t think she could have learned in the normal sense – like her reaction to my dark humor. You found me entertaining, but I know I could test the limits with my morbid comebacks. I can’t help but admit that I found crossing the line entertaining, as you weren’t a religious person by any means but you were always quick to fit in an Amen and make sure I tap on wood in case my words might have repercussions. Honestly, I just wanted you to laugh and see that I was fine. Besides, I never liked being too serious. If I did that often, I’d probably end up like Absal, and he tends to intimidate people with just his resting face, a curse and a blessing that I inherited. Pairing that with our stoic habits, I use humor to break the ice for the people around me. It’s both comforting, and a sign, as I imagine just knowing small bits about me would make me the subject of a pity party and I would do anything to avoid that!


I will admit that there are times the universe has either failed me, or made a mockery of the signs I look for. You can’t escape from bad juju no matter how much you try not to believe in such things. I would like to believe that everything is balanced, but I think I’m old enough to admit how childish that is. Good things happen to a select few, whether they are good people or bad people, and bad things tend to come in waves that test your resilience. I feel like I have been tested for most of my life, and I’m just waiting for the person running it to realize that I’ll never give up. I survived where you and grandma couldn’t, and much like the signs I search for to stay connected to you, I see this as a clear sign that I’m meant to face whatever is tossed my way.

I won’t lie and say I’m not exhausted. I feel like I’ve been carrying around a mountain since I turned sixteen. I keep waiting for my luck to change, and for a little while, the universe tosses me a bone, but so far my will is being chipped away. I guess that is where my routine becomes my comfort. Seeing little pieces of you around me gives me the hope I need to keep up this climb. I hope that the future is worth it, as this has been such a long and tiring journey. Excuse me for being rude, but I am f*cking tired of being strong all the time. As much as I appreciate the little signs, I keep wishing for a bit more detail so that I can get excited for what’s to come. Unfortunately most of my mornings are filled with dread for a new day. I feel as though my pain is getting to a point where I can’t stop thinking about it, and that – in itself – is a problem, as it makes everything else so much harder to do.

I could use a billboard type of sign that will give me the last bit of strength I need to keep on hoping. Anymore curve balls, and I’m pretty sure I won’t get back up the next time I fall. I hate outwardly admitting that, but it is a recurring thought. I’m trying to help myself, mind you. I know that it isn’t productive to just wait around for the universe to be kind to you. However I find it difficult to be self-sufficient given the circumstances. I don’t want to rely on people, as people more often than not can’t step to the plate in a pinch, but I can’t rely on myself anymore.

Where does that leave me?


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