Dear Mom,
I know a few days have passed without a new letter, and I apologize for that. I didn’t mean to take such a long break away from this, but it has come to my attention that my life is (practically) falling apart at the seams. I feel as though I’ll soon be back at the starting line and while much worse things have happened to me, it is still an unnecessary stress that I don’t need. Regardless, it is happening and I have to come to peace with it. I suppose I can start with this letter to you…
Back in October of 2023 I had an abdominal myomectomy to get rid of a few uterine fibroids I had that were making life challenging. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this surgery to you before, but what I didn’t mention was the immense pain I was in after I woke. If I could compare it to something to give you a vague idea of how intense it was, I would, but nothing comes to mind and really, being a woman, you get the picture.– Yet it was still far better to manage than the pain I’m going through at the moment. It’s days like this that have me really missing you, and really desperate for your guidance. I almost considered using a damn Ouiji board just to get some sort of answer!
But I know better. Unfortunately.
I’m still in the recovery stages of that surgery. I hate how my gut feels, and while my cramping has improved, I can’t escape the bad days. Especially when those bad days are particularly cold. My bones and muscles spasm so bad I’m surprised I can even walk. Even during all of that, I still make time to be a present friend, and a present wife. I know I’m not perfect. There are a lot of things I could improve on, however I always thought that I was easy to manage.
I’m sure you’re looking at that sentence all wrong, but wait! I swear I’ll explain it better. What I mean by easy to manage is that I don’t need help to feed, cloth or bathe. Despite my disabilities, I’m still able to be self-sufficient – I just can’t maintain a job. The pain I’m in comes from far too many outlets for me to comfortably be able to make a living for myself. I’m trying to advertise my art, and build a brand behind it, however that takes energy that I don’t always have. I sleep far more than I care to admit, and while I try to make it up by being productive, most of my day is wasted away just trying to deal with the ache I’m in. It is a tiring existence, but I find ways to keep myself upbeat, and encouraged.
Unfortunately, I have someone in my life that seems to believe the opposite.
Mom, I honestly thought I was shouldering the brunt of all this. Watching how you worried over me during my cancer treatment made me refuse to be a permanent patient just waiting to be tended to. Even on my bad days I try not to share the burden of my struggles. I don’t even answer the question “How are you today?” honestly. I’m always fine – as fine as I can possibly be before my health takes control.
I guess what I’m saying is that this person has me questioning my memories, and if I were anybody else, I would probably spiral endlessly but I’ve learned my lesson, and I reached out to the people around me to get feedback. Their answer didn’t comfort me as much as I would have hoped, however I am grateful because they echoed my words; No. I was not mis-remembering the last couple of years. I am low maintenance…
I know it’s a comforting answer. I should be happy. Yet it fills me with sadness all the same…
I hate losing people; whether it be to death or unfriendly waters, it always feels the same. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to persevere this time, as I already find myself rather lonely having lost Jinx and I can’t expect my friends to always comfort me as their lives keep on keeping on. I know you would want me to be safe, happy, and well cared for, so I know that this is the choice I need to make.. I just wish it made my heart ache a little less.
I always feel guilty whenever I cut people out of my life. I know what you’re going to say; I’m too soft hearted. I’m too forgiving. You should really blame yourself for that one. All I knew was my love for you before you passed away. My trust in the world came so easily because you caught me every time I fell. Do you know how hard it is to be skeptical of everyone I meet? I’m more guarded now, but that makes my longer friendships mean something and I don’t know how to let this one go…
If only cutting people out was like cutting out a fibroid; deep asleep and plenty of pain meds for the recovery…
I’ll figure it out. I always have, and I always will.
Just forgive me if I skip a few days of writing. These letters come from the heart, and after all is said and done, my heart is going to need a few days of healing before I can jump on all my projects again. Don’t worry, I’ll be safe, and I have myself a Nikki. She’s always looking after me, so you can be sure I’ll be fine.
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