Dear Mom,
I know I’m writing this a little later than I usually do, but I hope you can forgive me for not feeling very inspired these days. I hate to blame my circumstances, yet I find myself stuck in a loop of existential dread while I wait for my cases to finally get a decision submitted in order to know my next steps. There are 26 letters in the alphabet that create the millions of words connected to the english language and I can’t find a solid sentence that could accurately describe the amount of anxiety I’m in.
Not to mention the pain… I’m a week into my freshly done epidural injections that I get for the blinding nerve pain located on my lower back – although that just means my hips have entered the chat full force. My relief comes in bursts unfortunately. You know what they say about cutting the head of a hydra? Three more grow back, and that is exactly how chronic pain feels like. I often wonder about the kind of pain you were in. I remember how you had to take Tylenol 3 every night, and yet you still couldn’t sleep all the way through. You would blame it on my moving at night, or the way I would stop breathing due to my sleep apnea, but now that I’m nearing 34, I wonder if you had fibromyalgia much like I do.
Was our family cursed or something? Well, I hope we were because that would be far more tolerated than the latter.
Your birthday is coming up [March 14th]… or at least that is how I have it marked on my calendar. I don’t remember when I created the notification, but it has been haunting me from its spot on my google calendar for the last eight or nine years. I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t know if I have the right date, nor do I know the exact day of your death – neither for you or grandma. I can only recall the season. Or at least what used to be considered seasons back in the 2000s. The weather has really become rather unpredictable. I want to believe that you would be upset by the state of our modern world, but I think I know you enough to assume that you wouldn’t give much of a rat’s ass.
Every year, I see your birthday come closer and closer, and every year, I chicken out of doing anything meaningful. I would visit your grave but you had to be fancy and bury everyone together in Puerto Rico, so that’s a bust – but it does comfort me to know that you aren’t alone.
I’m trying to imagine what you would look like in your 70s. You were a girl’s girl, and always had your hair done up with your tips always well manicured. My idea of being girly is slapping on some vibrant makeup and cute clothes. I could never get used to getting my nails done. Oh, you would love the developments done in the nail tech industry. Yet I know you’ll be classy and simple, which means I would have been the one to inspire you to do some crazy designs.
I wish there was a way to celebrate with you this time…
I know! I’ll just describe what my idea for a perfect birthday celebration for you will be like if you were here with me!
First, a full spa treatment so you can look and feel your best! I’ve learned to put a lot of importance on self care in the last three years, and besides a visit to get your hair and nails done, I don’t ever remember you going for facials or any kind of beauty treatments so we definitely need to see what a full ‘treat yourself’ moment must look like! We can probably do this a day before your big day because we’re Latina and we require the most maintenance.
I can totally see us closing out this day with some good movies. Horror movies, of course, as I developed a bit of a taste for the macabre because of you.
You had a very small circle of friends from what I recall. You liked to surround yourself with quality people rather than quantity and so, I can’t imagine a birthday celebration without them. I’m saddened by the lack of contact I had with the people who knew you, and genuinely cared about you, but I’ve long since forgiven myself for not having nurtured those connections. So much had happened after your passing that I’m surprised I even managed to survive as long as I did without someone’s intervention. But for this very special day, I think it’s okay if we imagine I plotted to invite them out with us.
I’ll get you a cake from Veniero’s, which is one of the best bakeries here in NYC, and have it all arranged with the restaurant so that it would be stored and brought out as a surprise! I’ve done this a few times for my husband, and I’ve gotten pretty good at putting together a nice party. We’ll have a nice table in this all you can eat buffet style restaurant called Fogo de Chao. It’s a wonderful brazilian style steakhouse that my husband introduced me to, and I ate my fill of porterhouse steaks and filet mignon until I couldn’t eat anymore. I struggle with food given my many ailments so it was wonderful to find a restaurant I can tolerate as well as this one. I’m sure you’ll love the spread of all the things you can eat as a side dish for the steak that is cut at the table by various staff members. I’ll get you a nice bottle of wine, and I’ll make sure I don’t sauce you up too much. You’re an old lady now, and I got to take care of you!
I think it would be cool to end the night with a Broadway play. I’ve never watched a Broadway play before. I know what you’re going to say; What am I doing with my life? Well, mom, this economy is not kind and I am so damn broke… but for the sake of this momentous occasion for us, I would make it work. The only problem is trying to narrow down a show to enjoy because there are just so many good ones! Part of me is completely smitten over the idea of watching Lion King with you, as it is a wonderful classic but there are just so many others like Wicked, or Marry Poppins, or Harry Pottery and the Cursed Child…
Honestly, this is our shared daydream for the day so why not just pretend we saw them all?
As for your gift, I think a nice gold ring with a matching necklace would suit you – along with an array of other things to commemorate your big day! After all of the gifts you gave me on my birthday all those years, this is the least I can do for you and I better not hear any lip! Our family has a bad rep with receiving gifts (I definitely choke up and try to give it back immediately), so I know you’ll claim that the spa day, restaurant, cake and show was more than enough – but you’re my mom. It won’t ever be enough, and you’re just going to have to accept that.
Our night will end with a long ride home where we laugh, talk and overall, go over the day’s events like a couple of girlfriends. You will probably be decently sauced so I have to help you to bed, and tuck you in, but you’ll be happy and loved, and celebrated – just as you deserve to be.
And I will be tending to an incredibly sore body.
I know what I wrote is nothing more than a hopeless fantasy, but I hope it shows you the level of affection I have for you even after having been gone from my life for the last twenty or so years.
Comments