Dear Mom,
I was once asked if I regretted my cancer treatment. At the time, I didn’t really understand the question. When I answered, it was from a place of gratefulness, and gratitude for the sort of care I was given that, essentially, saved my life. It didn’t occur to me that some people took issue with how harsh chemotherapy was, or the controversial usage of radiation therapy. To this day, I never did much research into how other people managed through their treatments nor did I look into the complications they faced for the rest of their life. If I’m being honest, I had a lot more to worry about than to linger on the ‘what ifs’ or the opinions of others towards their own treatment. Cancer took my mom within months of her diagnosis and my grandmother was suffering through the treatment right along with me, even though our cancers were incredibly different. By the time I reached the end of my treatment, I had a whole other slew of problems to contend with that I couldn’t even celebrate my new lease on life.
I didn’t even get to work my way through the trauma I experienced, nor did I continue to see my specialists.
Of everything I suffered, I’m sure seeing that was what disappointed you the most. I don’t even remember the last conversation I had with the doctor that created my treatment plan. Did I ever thank her? Did I say good-bye to my favorite nurses? Thinking back has me struggling with tears, but I can’t even remedy that by reaching out to them now as the paperwork to my treatments have been lost – along with everything else that was thrown out of my childhood home. I could request them from the hospital, or even my current doctor – but it doesn’t seem to matter now. It has been so long that they probably won’t remember me and I’m not fond of awkward conversations. Nor would my anxiety really allow me to try.
I have a bad habit of imagining scenarios that are a little more touching and sweeter than what usually happens in real life. Too much fantasy in books, movies, animes…. I rather my imagination. I’m hardly disappointed by my own happy dreams.
With my new reality, my best friend asked me if I regretted my treatment as it has been proven to be linked to many of the problems I’m now facing. I’m sure you know my answer, mom, but most people might be disappointed. No, I’ll never regret going through the hell that is chemo and radiation. I feel as though it would be selfish of me to say otherwise, as you and grandma sacrificed so much for me.
Not to mention the balance – giving all three of us cancer, at the same time, I don’t think all three of us kicking the bucket would have been okay. The universe needed one of us to survive such an incredible ordeal, and while I have missed the two of you through every milestone in my life, I can’t help but be happy by my survival because my stage four Hodgkin’s Lymphoma would have killed me and I would have never made it to 33. I can’t imagine never having met my life long friends, marrying the love of my life, experiencing the ins and outs of adulthood – sometimes it feels like a prolong fever dream. Like one day I’m going to notice a lamp that isn’t quiet where its suppose to be, but nobody else sees it the way I do and then I’ll wake up to the day of my last round of chemo. The round that almost killed me…
No matter what the future holds for me, I’ll never regret my survival because my survival – my life – would be nothing if I wasn’t living to honor you.
Forever in your memory,
Sabey
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