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achronicsurvivorsa
Feb 47 min read

What would you tell me if you were here?

Dear Mom,


I often wonder what would you do in this era of social media. I’m sure you’d find it ridiculous that I suffer from social anxiety even when I’m ‘hiding’ behind a screen. There are ways that I can be relatable to the general public but I have to get over the overall sense of doom I get when I’m trying to create some reach in my platforms. It’s hard to do when your bravery is just another mask that you have and not a personality trait. I’ve never liked being the center of attention and that’s exactly what you need in order to build a solid presence. There are creators who claim to be introverts, but I can’t help but wonder if what they say is true because introverts are notoriously difficult to get under the spotlight.

I cringe at some of the stuff I posted on facebook over the years. I’ve matured, so a glimpse into my childish self usually makes me self conscious all over again. Up until 2020, that didn’t matter much. I’ve dabbled in posting about my cosplays, and my art, but I didn’t make much of an effort until I was gifted my disabilities (/sarcasm). At first my approach was slow. A simple test in the waters to see if anyone was even interested in seeing lil’ol me. Honestly, I’m still taken by surprised by the amount of people genuinely following me for the content I produce. So you would think that would motivate me to post often and engage with my audience…

But you know me. As the daughter who would much rather play with my dolls than to follow my friends around, you should know that I would balk at the idea of being some public figure.

Yet the universe keeps providing me hints that I should peruse this avenue… Can I just be childish for one moment and whine about how I don’t want to put that much effort in? I’m a good listener, but I am so not good at making content to put on a public form – especially not as a video! I’m embarrassed just taking photos!

Writing to you has given me the opportunity to deeply consider what you would tell me if we were on the same plane of existence. That being said, I know you’re probably going to say something to the effect of, ‘Get over yourself. You beat cancer, the public can’t beat you.’ Well, mom, cancer was easy!


I’m not afraid of negative feedback, nor am I afraid of facing negative people. I’ve worked retail long enough to have developed a back-bone for such things. I guess that would mean I’m afraid of the ‘unknown’, or I can maybe go as far as to say I’m intimidated by the possibility of ‘success’. In a way, that would make sense but it feels far more complicated than that. I’ve grown so complacent in my solitude that I don’t know what to do now whenever I find myself in the presence of a group of people – never mind figuring out how to present myself on camera. I’m practicing my art enough so that it could carry me, yet I’m painfully aware that it isn’t enough. People like to relate to other people, and though I get very comforting comments on my work, I still have this sinking feeling in my gut that scares me away from putting in anymore effort…

It is something I’m working on in therapy. I wish I could just snap my fingers so that I can become the confident person I know, deep down, I can be. Unfortunately things can’t be that simple.

For the time being, I have opted to post even if I don’t think I’m good enough. I want to believe that is very brave of me, but the perfectionist I am tend to feel like my work is lacking personality. I’m struggling with the set up I have at the moment. There are days I find myself browsing through pinterest, and growing bitter at the fact I can’t have an aesthetically pleasing corner to confidently post online. I’m down to my last $100 and my future isn’t looking all that good. Most of my hope is washing away, and yet I still find myself smiling all because I get positive feedback from what I do post. It is important to find hope in the most smallest of happenings, yet I’m struggling with the guilt of feeling at all pleased given my current situation.

I like to imagine that you would give me all the confidence and inspiration I need to grow on social media, which isn’t exactly a healthy thought to entertain often as that leads me to considering the purchase of a oujia board. The hispanic in me knows better, but I might have been around too many people who think that’s a good idea to even be considering it. I have a few projects in mind in order to use you as inspiration, and to bring attention to the work I’m doing. My motivation has been lacking however, and the medication has me particularly loopy these days so I end up sleeping for far longer than I intend to. I know I don’t have the luxury of time anymore, so sprinkle some good luck on me. I’ve come to realize that you don’t have much to spare, but if would be nice if you can maybe shift the universe to work in my favor for once.

You know, I don’t really ask for much!


Given your taste in novellas, and movies, I’m sure you would have enjoyed this era. Social media brings all the juicy chisme (gossip) to you, and you don’t even have to sit outside in the hallway to have a cigarette. I still watch true crime documentaries because of you. I was far too young to be sitting at your side whenever Law & Order: SVU would be on, yet I cherish those memories. My morbid curiosity has only grown, and try as I might, I’m overcome by the atrocities that people can commit against their own flesh and blood. My faith in humanity has been a wavering object for some time now, but what has really disgusted me are the people who pretend to have the terminal disease that took you away from me and gave me one hell of a story to tell. I don’t know how someone could lie about something like that, but then again should I really be so surprised by the lengths people would go?

It makes me wonder if being a good person is worth it. I can never bring myself to slight someone else in some blind attempt at gaining notoriety, however I am heartbroken by how society tends to place these fowl people on a pedestal. They get a platform with seemingly very little effort on their part, only to reveal their true colors later down the line and the reveal hardly matters because they were gifted the life they wanted. I’ve seen good people be burned by those they try to help, and it may very well be one of the many reasons for my weary approach to social media. Its scary to watch mob mentality take over when a scandal comes out. The person could be innocent, but when there’s enough doubt, it doesn’t matter and it makes for good views.

I recently went down a rabbit hole involving a writer of a show that I know you would have loved to watch. It’s called Grey’s Anatomy, and it is a medical procedural show with drama mixed in. I’m not a big fan, but I watched enough episodes to understand the story that has been going on for roughly seventeen years(?). Apparently one of the writers took it upon themselves to spread this narrative that they were fighting cancer. Her supposed bravery in the face of the ‘terminal illness’, and the blog she wrote as a way to work through the treatments she was receiving gave her a decent platform to build on.

Some fighters have the confidence to sit down and write about their experience as it happens. If I had the opportunity, I might have went that route. If she was so drawn to the inspiring battle a cancer patient must endure, I feel as though she would have gained far more support if she simply brought that to light by giving these patients a voice that would otherwise been drowned out. Given that she already had a place in writers room of such a memorable show, it seems selfish to me that she wanted more than that. I don’t know what it is about cancer that makes people like her so interested in faking their battle, but I hope they never have to endure what we had to go through. Even if what they did is so despicable that it would divine justice if they ultimately got the disease – I just can’t bring myself to wish that upon them. Cancer is a horrible, life altering diagnosis. Just the possibility of getting in the future could mean a life sentence.


And Amanda Riley (Scamanda) is making the stories she writes for Grey’s Anatomy her own.

Social media has its downfalls. You can’t trust everything you see, read or hear. It makes me sad as I feel as though we, as a society, would gain more if we were just honest. I understand the necessity of small white lies, but to go as far as to fake such a disease… I just don’t understand how someone could live with such a lie.

You know, maybe in my next letter, I can tell you all about how she even managed to do something like that. I’m sure you’ll come to the same conclusions as I have. She isn’t the only one either. There’s a whole genre of people faking diseases.

I can’t even remember what I ate for dinner two nights ago. I don’t know how people can keep up with lies like that.

My social media presence has been a slowly growing thing. I may be a little caught up in the drama of people’s lives, but I am learning about who I want people to see me as. I want them to see me in the same light you did when you saw me drawing for the first time, and it was actually good; just a sweet girl making sweet art.


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